Fifa bingo! World Cup playoff draw checks all boxes as Irelands and Wales plot paths

DRAWN OUT An audience full of middle-aged and elderly men almost certainly preoccupied with what’s for lunch? Check. Constant reminders that football unites the world? Check. A charming hostess and former Miss Switzerland, Melanie Winiger? Check. Numerous ornate plinths bearing see-through bowls, a trophy or a football. Check. More montages from World Cups passim than were strictly necessary? Check. A dizzying array of acrylic multi-coloured draw balls? Check. “Fifa legends” Christian Karembeu, Marco Materazzi and Martin Dahlin? Checkity-check-check. A shiny floor? Check. Fifa competition manager Manolo Zubiria explaining protocol? Check. Self-important claptrap from an increasingly obsequious and craven “haunted cue-ball” Fifa president? Check. Such were the mandatory ingredients for the usual over-stuffed and undercooked helping of pure, concentrated Fifa that eventually revealed – at least for the parochial purposes of Football Daily – that Wales will be at home to Bosnia and Herzegovina, Northern Ireland will be away to Italy, and the Republic of Ireland will face Czech Republic in Prague as they attempt to negotiate the next steps of their meandering “paths” to next summer’s Geopolitics World Cup. Working on the almost certainly misguided assumption that all three nations win, Wales will then host Northern Ireland in a mouthwatering winner-takes-all eliminator, while O’Ireland will welcome Denmark or North Macedonia to Dublin to see who gets to compete in North America. In Europe’s other two obstacle-strewn pathways, Ukraine will entertain Graham Potter’s Sweden (presumably on neutral ground) with the winners hosting Poland or Albania. Slovakia or Kosovo will stage the remaining final against Romania or global football’s not so much dark, as increasingly-dappled grey horses Turkey. Meanwhile in Scotland, nobody cares who anyone got in the playoffs because everyone is still watching replays of that Kenny McLean goal from the halfway line, listening to that BBC Radio Scotland commentary of that Kenny McLean goal from the halfway line, or in some cases gradually coming around and wondering where they left their troosers. They will be unconcerned with the news that the draw involving six teams from five continents to see who will take the two remaining places at next summer’s finals has pitted New Caledonia or Jamaica against DR Congo for one spot and Bolivia or Suriname against Iraq for the other. All four of those games are scheduled to be played in the Mexican cities of Guadalajara or Monterrey in March. And with that, as the final Geopolitics World Cup pathways were etched in bureaucratic bronze, the Zurich audience rose as one, not in a standing ovation for the dazzling complexity of the draw through which they had just snoozed, but because in a nearby hospitality suite the canapes, vol-au-vents and pre-packaged salmon mousse sandwiches were finally being unveiled. LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE Join Sarah Rendell from 8pm GMT for piping hot, minute-by-minute coverage of Chelsea 1-2 Barcelona in Women’s Bigger Cup. QUOTE OF THE DAY I was 34, I’d spent nine years at Arsenal and there had been a fair amount of discussions with the club. I wanted to go back to France with my family. There were deteriorated relationships with people at the club, although not with Unai Emery” – Laurent Koscielny, now the sporting director at Lorient, talks to Raphaël Jucobin about his controversial exit from Arsenal and that Bordeaux announcement video. FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS I can claim a pathetically weak link to Scott McTominay (yesterday’s Football Daily). For one term he attended the same high school in Lancaster that I attended for seven years. During compulsory games, if it was football, the two best players picked their teams. Me and another lad were always last to be picked, usually being ‘full-backs’, ie standing around shivering and wondering what we were supposed to do when the opposing team came running past us. But I can claim to have pretended to play on a pitch on which Scott, of course, excelled” – Paul Henry. Since Curaçao (population 155,826) is now the smallest nation to have qualified for the men’s World Cup instead of Iceland, may I take this chance to update my comparison (15 October letters) in that the former has a population smaller than the London borough of Hackney (population 266,758) and less than half the size of Croydon (population 397,741)” – Derrick Cameron. Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Paul Henry. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here. RECOMMENDED LISTENING Has this been the best international break in living memory? For Ireland and Scotland fans, it will take some beating. In Thursday’s Football Weekly Extra, Max Rushden is joined by Barry Glendenning, Paul Watson and Seb Hutchinson to look back on it all, and ahead to the return of the Premier League. MOVING THE GOALPOSTS Megan Swanick previews the NWSL Championship and the key battles that will help decide the final between Washington Spirit and Gotham FC. NEWS, BITS AND BOBS Australia and Manchester City star Mary Fowler has claimed she experienced racism while at Montpellier in 2022, when she was given bananas while others in the squad received flowers at the end of her final season with the French club. “No matter what the intentions were, it left us feeling taken aback and upset,” wrote Fowler in her new memoir, Bloom. 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Birmingham City have revealed the design for a 62,000-seater stadium will be called The Powerhouse. “The 12 chimney-form towers echo the brickworks that once sat on the site,” parped a statement, with one chimney including “a lift to Birmingham’s highest bar, offering citywide views and an immersive storytelling experience.” RECOMMENDED PLAYING The Guardian has kicked off a new chapter in puzzles with the launch of its first daily football game, On the ball. It is now live in the app for both iOS and Android … so what are you waiting for? Get stuck in! STILL WANT MORE? Suits of Premier League clubs are meeting on Friday to discuss new financial regulations that could reshape the footballing landscape. Paul MacInnes explains what on earth “anchoring” is and unpicks the new prospective rules. Where Patrick Kluivert and Guus Hiddink failed, Dick Advocaat prevailed: taking Curaçao to their first World Cup. Will Unwin has the lowdown on the tiny island’s massive achievement. Max Rushden couldn’t resist writing his column about Scotland and the Republic of Ireland, and looks at McLean, Parrott and other instant commentary classics. Emre Sarigul has the inside view on the betting scandal that has engulfed Turkish football in recent weeks – an investigation has revealed that seven top-flight referees are actively gambling. Jacket potato enthusiasts Preston North End could go second in the Championship with a win over Blackburn on Friday. Dominic Booth has this piece on the unfancied contenders. Sergio Busquets is still playing – but not for much longer. John Muller writes this ode to the 37-year-old midfielder, who could lace his boots for the final time when Inter Miami play on Sunday. And it’s your boy, David Squires, on an underwhelming USA USA USA trip for the Flamin’ Socceroos. RECOMMENDED SUBSCRIBING Prefer pictures to words? Well, Big Website has a brand new weekly newsletter, highlighting the very best sport photographs around. You can subscribe here. But please do still stick with your faithful Football Daily, too. RECOMMENDED SHOPPING Need a gift for that special football-obsessed person in your life? Well the Big Website Bookshop has loads of great reads available. You can even just treat yourself. Get shopping here! MEMORY LANE Andy Cole, former Newcastle sharp shooter, pictured on Tyneside in January 1994 with an AK-47 during his red-hot spell, for some fizzy drink advert. The eagle-eyed trendy nightspotter among you may also notice the Tuxedo Princess floating under the Tyne bridge in the background. DO IT FOR HER