Taylor Swift's ode to Travis Kelce is cringe

Shall I compare thee to a redwood tree? Thou art more sappy and more decadent. Rough winds do shake … OK, enough of that. I apologise for the cod Shakespeare but I just couldn’t help myself. Taylor Swift mania is at fever pitch and I have found myself swept up in the chatter about the lyrics from her new album, The Life of a Showgirl.

Swift has routinely been described as a lyrical genius, and not just by 11-year-olds. Sir Jonathan Bate, a Shakespeare scholar, once called her a “literary giant” and used her work as a teaching aid. On her latest album the billionaire liberally sprinkles in plenty of Shakespeare references, but what’s really got people talking are the (supposed) allusions to fiance Travis Kelce’s “magic wand”. If you’re not interested in a blow-by-blow account of the magic, I’d advise you to do a vanishing act because I’m about to quote from Swift’s song Wood.

“Forgive me, it sounds cocky,” the modern-day Shagspeare writes. “Redwood tree, it ain’t hard to see / His love was the key that opened my thighs.” Swift then references Kelce’s podcast, which is called New Heights, singing: “New Heights of manhood, I ain’t gotta knock on wood.” In case you weren’t quite catching her drift, there’s also a reference to a “hard rock”.

None of this is remotely risque in the grand scheme of things, but there’s something about Swift’s squeaky-clean brand that makes it all feel a bit ick. I’m not being prejudiced, OK? I don’t care what a consenting adult does with another consenting adult in private. Love is love! But, my God, I wish some of these heterosexuals would stop shoving their lifestyles in our faces.

To be fair, while Wood may not be Swift’s strongest work (she has some very strong work!) there is stiff competition when it comes to cringe lyrics. Forgive me, it sounds cocky, but I’m going to take it upon myself to rate some of the most embarrassing lyrics of all time right here, right now.

The first category is songs with factual errors that even a slightly stupid child could spot. Top prize here goes to Jake Paul, an American YouTube personality who also dabbles in boxing and rap. In 2017 he came out with a song called It’s Everyday Bro, which featured the memorable line: “England is my city.” The weirdest thing about this is that even though Paul has admitted he wrote the line, Nick Crompton, a British influencer who presumably has a passing understanding of his country’s geography, is the one who sang it. Crompton then rhymed city with “litty” and was never heard from again.

Category two: lyrics that sound as if they were hallucinated by ChatGPT. The Killers obviously get a mention, with their famous line: “Are we human, or are we dancer?” But the winner is Des’ree’s Life (1998), which contains the immortal lines: “I don’t want to see a ghost, It’s the sight that I fear most, I’d rather have a piece of toast, and watch the evening news.” This segment has been widely panned but – like all great art – it makes you think, right? With the news the way it is, I think I’d take the ghost sighting myself right now.

Next up we have budget brags. I’ve invented this category entirely for Tinie Tempah and his 2010 hit Pass Out, where he sings: “I live a very, very, very wild lifestyle … I’ve got so many clothes I keep some in my aunt’s house.” So bathetic, it’s beautiful. That song also includes the line: “I’ve been Southampton, but I’ve never been to Scunthorpe.” It’s hard to explain the splendour of that to an American, but I’ve tried.

Last up: unnecessary mentions of cancer in otherwise upbeat techno bops. Yep, it’s Snap!’s classic song Rhythm Is a Dancer coming in top here, with the line: “I’m serious as cancer when I say, ‘Rhythm is a dancer.’” Surely it wasn’t that hard to find another rhyme, was it? Anyway, time to wrap this up with a line from my forthcoming studio album, The Life of a Freelance Writer: “I’m as urgent as a rash when I say I have to dash.”

• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist

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