This is how we do it: ‘Asexuality is a spectrum. I don’t experience sexual desire (but I do like having orgasms)’

Sarah, 37

I’ve never loved sex. Growing up, I felt broken because everyone put it on a pedestal

The only thing that Cameron and I have ever been at odds about is our sex life. When we met nine years ago we were in our late 20s, and sex was definitely something that he wanted more frequently than me. After about six months of dating we decided to try an open arrangement so that Cameron could pursue people who are more sexual than I am.

There were feelings of jealousy at first, but our relationship was strengthened because we had such strong communication, and I grew to feel really secure in our bond. It’s been a huge blessing for us, because I’ve never loved sex. Growing up, I felt broken because everyone else put it on a pedestal, but I never really understood what was so great about it.

When I stumbled across a book about asexuality on social media in 2021, it was like looking in a mirror. I was shocked, because at that time I considered myself a sexual person – I like to masturbate, and I’d had a fair amount of sex in my 20s. But I think I had a lot of that sex because I felt guilty – a hangover of being a teenager in a society that tells us you have to please your man.

It’s not that I have a sexual desire, but there are other reasons to have sex, like wanting to be close to someone

What the book taught me was that asexuality is a broad spectrum. For example, I don’t have sexual desire, even for people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I appreciate how they look, but I don’t want to have sex with them. But I do like having orgasms. To me, it’s fun and it’s a nice release – a way to clear out all the thoughts in my head.

It was very freeing to tell Cameron that I am asexual. He accepts it. We do still have sex, because I feel intense intimacy and closeness to him when we do, and I am making the conscious decision when I want to connect with him in that way. It’s not that I have a sexual desire, but there are other reasons to have sex, like wanting to be close to someone. I see how much he enjoys it, and that gives me pleasure. In the same way that someone who is not asexual can decide to be celibate, I can decide to have sex for other reasons than being turned on.

Cameron, 36

Just because sex isn’t a priority doesn’t mean that romance isn’t

Sex used to be super important to me. It’s where I got a lot of my self-worth. I was sick and in hospital a lot as a teenager, so sex became something that I felt gave me control over my body. That started to really change when I met Sarah, because sex wasn’t the most important thing in our relationship.

With Sarah, I began seeing more value in other parts of myself, and it de-prioritised sex. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else now either. If I ever feel like having sex, there are other ways I can handle it. Masturbation is one, but it can also be a long walk, thinking about what’s on my mind or watercolour painting.

Sarah’s asexuality has just expanded the idea of what our relationship means. It challenges you to think in different ways.

When Sarah discovered her asexuality, I began to realise that attraction is more about emotional connection. That can come through sex, but also through different forms that are equally worthy and satisfying. I had a specific idea of what asexuality was – if you didn’t have sex, you didn’t ever have sexual feelings. But it’s a spectrum, and it takes time to figure out where you stand on it.

We’ve been together for nine years, and just because sex isn’t a priority doesn’t mean that romance isn’t. Making specific time for that is really essential for us. Sometimes we’ll get these adult Lego sets and do them a little bit every morning, which feels really intimate. Or we’ll have a date night and go out for a mocktail and a pizza. We cuddle and make plans for the future, which is a form of care. I get a lot of pleasure from cooking for other people, and it makes me really happy in a kind of afterglow of sex way.

Sarah’s asexuality has just expanded the idea of what our relationship means. It’s like limiting the tools you have to work with – you have to be more creative with what you have. It challenges you to think in different ways. But it didn’t diminish the love that I had for her at all.