COLEEN: 'My husband will do anything to avoid having sex with me'
Dear Coleen My husband never wants to have sex and it’s been so long since we last did it, I can’t even remember it. Intimacy started to go -downhill after my difficult -pregnancy with our youngest, then a traumatic birth. We didn’t have sex because of all the health issues and then coping with a newborn, but then it just carried on. He will literally do anything to avoid sex with me – he’ll go out with his mates, stay at work late or watch rubbish on TV until I’m asleep. The other night I lost my rag with him and it all came spilling out. He admitted he wasn’t bothered about sex but wouldn’t tell me why, claiming he didn’t know the reason and saying that I was making too big a thing of it. Since the argument, we’ve barely communicated and my mind is doing cartwheels, coming up with all sorts of reasons why he doesn’t want sex – could it be an affair or he just doesn’t fancy me any more? It’s driving me mad and I feel so unloved and lonely in this marriage. He’s a very closed off person, so it’s impossible to get him to be honest with me, but I know he’s holding something back. Please help. Coleen says You have to press the point because I think he probably does have reasons – he just doesn’t want to admit them. Explain that even if he’s worried it’ll upset you, he needs to lay his cards on the table because you’re not prepared to continue in a marriage without intimacy and no option for discussion. Just be prepared that you might not like what he has to say. It feels a bit like he’s forcing you into making a decision, so he doesn’t have to make it. Maybe if you get so fed up with him going AWOL and avoiding you, you’ll end the relationship and he won’t have to feel guilty about it because it was your choice. I hope that’s not what he’s doing, but be mindful of it. I think when you’re in this situation, it’s tempting to ask, “Is it me? Am I expecting too much?” But it’s not you – it’s how he’s making you feel. He’s gaslighting you and if he keeps shutting you down and suggesting you’re the one who’s making a big deal of it, you do have to think -seriously about next steps for you, as much as it hurts.