Dear Abby: Should we cut our granddaughter off for not using our last name?
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter, “Amy,” who shows in 4-H, decided to take her stepdad’s last name when appearing at the fair. Our son, her father, is a big part of her life. This is the second year in a row she has done this, and it hurts me and my husband deeply. Her mother, stepdad and his family think it’s great. Our son has no backbone and won’t stand up to Amy’s mother or put his foot down about the situation. We tried talking with Amy. She said she will go by her stepdad’s last name and doesn’t care how we feel. We love her very much. Her stepfamily’s name is no more important than anyone else’s, but they think it is a big deal. After Amy answered the way she did, we told her we will no longer support her at the 4-H fair. She is at the impressionable age of 14. My husband and I agree that we will also discontinue Amy’s birthday and Christmas gifts if she is going to treat us like this. We were brought up to respect our family, and this is a slap in the face. What should we do? — PROUD OF OUR NAME DEAR PROUD: You wrote that your son is still a big part of Amy’s life. Has your granddaughter explained why she’s determined to do this? Could it be as simple as wanting to use a name that matches the parents who brought her to the event? You have allowed yourselves to become too involved in this. Retaliating by no longer subsidizing Amy’s 4-H activities and withholding birthday and Christmas gifts may have been rash and could drive a lasting wedge that won’t be easily repaired. More calm and rational discussions should take place before you go nuclear. DEAR ABBY: I do everything for my family. I take care of everyone. I also work and earn a good living. Now that I’m older and my kids are grown, I like to go on vacation. The problem is, my husband doesn’t want to do anything. My best friend booked a trip for the two of us, and I’m excited to go and enjoy a few days off from “my life,” so to speak, but my husband is mad because he isn’t invited. I have taken a vacation without him to see our grandson across the country, and it has never been an issue. We have been together 38 years. For the last two years, my husband has been sick, but he’s doing much better now. I feel like I deserve a break and a mental reset. He says he is “hurt.” He is trying to guilt me into not going, but I told him I need this for my own sanity. Am I wrong for wanting and needing this? — ESCAPING IN SOUTH CAROLINA DEAR ESCAPING: Taking care of a sick husband in addition to everyone else is stressful. I’m glad your husband is doing better, and I understand why you might want a break. You stated that he “doesn’t want to do anything” but feels hurt that he wasn’t included. Tell him if his urge to travel has revived along with his health, you would be delighted to arrange a trip for just the two of you. You can afford it, and it may soothe his feelings. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
