Asking Eric: Surly college student may get the boot from cousin’s house if she doesn’t show more respect

Dear Eric: I allowed the daughter of a cousin, with whom I am not close, to move in with me while she finishes college. When she moved in last January it was supposed to be for a semester, but this is the longest semester I have ever seen.

We had an incident where she left gobs of hair all over my bathroom, which I had to clean up. I told her via text I didn’t like it.

She walked around my house for weeks so angry with me, and when I said something to her as she was leaving the house, she slammed the door in my face.

There were other incidents. When she moved in, she had at least nine big boxes in my living room. I have been asking for around seven months for her to move them, and she won’t.

So, we had a big blow-up because of that and now she is walking around sullen. She said she has to keep her peace; she won’t speak. She won’t do her chores anymore, either.

I want her to leave. She’s just plain rude. Am I wrong?

– Bad Housemate

Dear Housemate: It seems like she’s fallen into the pattern of being the sullen teenager, making you the nagging parent. But you’re not her parent and, if she’s finishing college, she’s probably not a teenager either. She’s a guest in your home and she needs to treat the home and you with respect. If she won’t contribute to the order of the home and won’t communicate with you, then it’s not working, and you should tell her that. She doesn’t get a free pass.

If you want to give her another chance before asking her to leave, then it’s time to have a “state of the arrangement” conversation where you lay out what your expectations are and ask her if she can accept those. Also state that there are consequences to the agreement not being honored, namely that this wouldn’t be a place where she was able to stay any longer. Lastly, get a timeline. How long is this degree going to take? How many credits does she have left?

From your letter, however, it sounds like you’re fed up and that’s fine. We’re coming up on the end of another semester. This may be the right time for her to find another option. Because your cousin made the arrangement, you might also loop her in so she’s not blindsided and so she can help her daughter to take responsibility.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.