Tackling toilet shame: help your child handle the school poo stigma

When your child gets home from school, you may notice they’re displaying some of the symptoms of constipation. They could be leaving large and hard poos or small, pebble-like ones in the loo. They could have a newly poor appetite or stomach pain, and they might not be going to the toilet as often as before. You could even find soiled or stained underwear in their washing basket. All of these symptoms point to the possibility of constipation, which could be caused by your child withholding their poo at school.

A new survey by Andrex, of more than 500 girls and boys aged 10 to 17, reveals that 68% have avoided going to the toilet at school, with 73% citing embarrassment as the main reason and 63% worrying about being teased. These statistics have driven Andrex to launch a campaign to help the nation raise the first unembarrassed generation that’s loud and proud about going to the loo, whether that’s at school, at home, or out and about.

Why are kids avoiding loos?

“Withholding can have a serious impact, so it’s important to tackle it,” says Dr Martha Deiros Collado, a clinical psychologist specialising in family therapy. “The first step is to work out why they’re avoiding going, so you can work on it together.

“Depending on the age of your child, there could be a wide variety of reasons, including the transition to secondary school – being in a new place where everything is bigger and noisier, with new and unfamiliar toilets, can be a trigger point for children.”

There might be some privacy concerns around flimsy toilet doors or ones that don’t close properly, while social pressure and embarrassment also play a big part, she says. “At secondary school age, children are very aware of how they’re perceived by their peers. They might avoid the toilets at school where groups of other kids hang out because they don’t want to be teased. Self-consciousness is part of being a teenager – they’ll do anything to avoid unwanted attention, and that includes in the loo.”

Starting the conversation

Although withholding might not seem like a huge deal, if it is not dealt with, the ripple effects can be more serious. In Andrex’s survey, almost a third of children admitted that they’d purposefully missed lunch in case it made them need the loo, while a worrying 45% even said that they’d held their poo to the point of physical pain.

If they’re suffering the effects of constipation, children might be reluctant to go to school, or even want to isolate themselves from friends for fear of having an accident. While your GP can advise you on how to tackle the physical symptoms, if withholding is the cause, your child will need your support to work through their hangups about the school poo.

“Whatever your child’s age, you need to protect their self-esteem and start the conversation in a way that’s honest, simple and without any kind of shame,” says Deiros Collado. “You could start by talking about your own feelings: ‘I’m really worried that you’re not going to the toilet at school. Can we talk about what’s happening? It’s OK if you find it embarrassing; I just want a conversation about it with you.’”

Lead with empathy, be curious, and stay calm, she says, and give your child simple body facts to help them understand why withholding poo isn’t helpful. “Let them know that they need to let their body do its work, because looking after your body is really important, and pooing is part of that.

“Try to make the conversation as collaborative as you can, so your child feels heard. Remind them that they’re the ones in control of their bodies, but you want to find ways of helping them. Once they see that you’re on their side and that you’re not shaming them, you can tackle the issue together.”

Deiros Collado believes that schools have a key role to play when it comes to helping children to feel confident about pooing at school: “They need to think about how they can improve the toilets so it’s not an unwelcoming or embarrassing experience.”

Until that happens, she suggests parents could have conversations with their child to help uncover some alternative solutions.

“Find out if they’ve explored all the toilets available to them at school, as some might feel safer and be a bit more private,” she says. “Ask if they’ve noticed which of their friends goes to the loo at school – perhaps they can go together, which might make it less embarrassing. If smell is a worry, you could give them scented sprays to make the cubicle smell nicer beforehand, and poo drops to use afterwards. They could also take some soft toilet paper in their bag and flushable wipes – little things that can help make them feel more comfortable and confident.”

There are also practical steps a parent can take to help make tackling the stigma a bit easier for their child. “Lead by example by talking comfortably about going to the loo at home, and never teasing each other about smelly poos,” says Deiros Collado.

Beating the embarrassment

“Give your child meals that include more fruit and fibre to help soften their stools, encourage them to go to the loo rather than withholding and aim to build positive habits and confidence.

“You could also ask your child if there’s a trusted teacher you could talk with about this issue. Advocating for your child is so important – and as a parent, feeling supported within the school environment is important for you too.

“Finally, if you’re still feeling anxious, ask for help. A charity such as Eric, which is dedicated to improving children’s bowel and bladder health, can offer advice and behavioural strategies to make you feel more confident in supporting your child.”

By working with schools and advocacy groups, you can help raise the first generation of kids who are happy to bust the school poo hangup, and go to the loo without embarrassment.

Andrex is on a mission to normalise the school poo. Find out what it’s doing to end the embarrassment and stigma