Dear Coleen: Stroppy partner is so lazy it feels like having another kid

Dear Coleen I’m a 45-year-old woman and have been with my partner for 15 years and we have two children aged eight and 11. I’m so unhappy in my relationship because I’m the one doing everything – I’m the main breadwinner , I do most of the kids’ stuff and keep everything going – cooking, cleaning and admin. He has a job, but not a stressful one, and spends all his money on himself (on God knows what). I pay for holidays , treats and luxuries, as well as all our clothes and everything the kids need. That would be OK if he contributed in other ways, but he’s lazy and selfish . Last week, things came to a head when he asked me for money for a golf trip with his mates and I said no. I told him we couldn’t afford it if we wanted a family holiday so if he wanted to go, he’d have to fund it himself. He hit the roof and called me mean and selfish, and I got so angry I haven’t spoken to him since. I don’t know why I put up with it, but maybe it’s because I can’t face the thought of being alone in my 40s with two kids. Any advice? Coleen says Yes! Being alone in your 40s with two kids can be liberating if you’re in an unhappy relationship – there’s no lonelier place to be. You’re scared of being alone, but you’re with someone who’s totally unsupportive and the only connection seems to be you’re looking after him as well as your kids. I was alone in my 50s when I got divorced, but I stayed longer than I should have because part of me was terrified of being on my own again. When I found the courage to do it, it was liberating. I could focus on myself and the kids, and it wasn’t as scary as I’d imagined. You’ve said no to him – for a good reason – and now he’s sulking like a child. If you’re direct with him and admit you don’t know if you can carry on in the relationship if he doesn’t step up, then it might be the kick he needs. He’s taking you for granted and if he doesn’t acknowledge how you feel and isn’t willing to talk, then you’re basically bringing up three kids. I understand women feeling scared to leave if they’re dependent on their partner’s income and their job is in the home, looking after children, but you’re not in that situation – neither was I. You have financial independence and are in a good position to decide what’s right for you. If you want things to change – whether that’s working on your relationship or walking away – then speak up.